Guest blog: unhooking ideas of masculinity
(As promised, this is the guest post by a certain remarkable woman in my life, on the topic of the “Man Skills Academy” I talked about in my last post: here.)
When Mr Vagabond himself told me about the Man Skills Meetup ‘class’ he was planning to attend, I was a little mystified (we’re going to have manliness overload here soon…there are already bullet-holes on the wall!), but otherwise benevolently amused in an I’m-not-really-paying-that-much-attention way (shhh…don’t tell).
However, when he laughingly told me about the first class’s ‘curriculum’, I instinctively gave the universal ‘Excuse me, what…?’ death-stare. I tried to soothe it away, I really did, telling myself that they mean no harm; they’re just having fun. But, this kind of ‘fun’, is it really that innocuous?
Skill number 1 is how to unhook a woman’s bra?
Ok, let’s take a look at the full description:
Man Skill #1: There’s nothing more embarrassing or mood killing than not being able to get a woman’s/your girlfriend’s bra off. It really kills the mood for both parties. We’ve all been there. Practice makes perfect. Come practice unclasping bras with one hand on a mannequin.
Note: it’s not just unhooking a bra, it’s unhooking a bra with one hand.
I take issue with bra-unclasping as a metric for manliness anyway, but the emphasis on one-handedness really gives it that extra boost of offensiveness. And helpfully reveals the underlying assumption quite nicely, namely that ‘manly’ men, real men, bang lots of women.
How do I make that connection, you might ask?
Envision, if you will, a man who can smoothly whip off a bra with one hand. Who is that man?
Someone who has ‘hooked up’ with a lot of women.
Now here’s a class saying: let’s teach you how to appear to be such a man. Why? What is good about seeming to have slept with lots of women?
Because a ‘successful’ man is one who’s been with many women…
So…fake it, till you make it, I guess?
By emphasizing the deft removal of underwear, they’re also furthering the idea that men should see women as objects, not people. After all, they’re basically saying: “we’re not going to teach you how to improve your interactions with women, treat them well, or even have cool sexual skills. No, just how to unhook their bras like a stud.”
Sure, we’ve all had an awkward bra-strap moment or two in our lives. Especially for the young and inexperienced, it can be a particularly embarrassing experience. But isn’t that part of learning that sex is…messy? Real? Frequently embarrassing or awkward? Not like it is onscreen, be it on tv, film, or porn.
It’s a real exchange between people. And I’m not talking emotion here: women are just as capable of, and interested in, casual encounters as men. Love or emotion do not need to be involved. It’s great if they are, it’s great if they’re not, as long as both parties are on the same wavelength.
But as equal adults engaging in a consensual sexual encounter, I would think that the logical assumption is that you can talk or laugh about an embarrassing moment, and, in fact, SHOULD. Heck, if you can’t laugh about the ridiculousness of human bodies, sexual acts, and/or occasional wardrobe gaffes together, then you’re doing it wrong. In that case, instead of learning how to seduce like a lothario, you’d be better served learning how to relax and accept the bumbling beauty of real life.
I would also hope that we all assume that a woman is competent and empowered enough to just reach back and undo it herself, should the deed be taking too long. Why would it be the man’s job to do it?
As my friend Katie likes to put it, sex is like a conversation:
“Exchanging ideas, having respect for that person, maybe learning something.”
It is a participatory activity.
By saying that a successful man should be capable of removing a woman’s bra one-handed, you’re at the very least suggesting that the man is the leader, if not the instigator. He is the dominant party, who is expected to be in control of the encounter.
It furthermore perpetuates the notion that Man must show that he has mastery of all things (a point made by the entire purpose of the class: Man Skills). Women will then surely swoon at his skill and prowess.
This is what it means to be a manly man – a notion that hurts both women AND men.
Men are taught that they cannot fumble, or be slightly embarrassed: don’t be human, guys! Be a suave, perfect, automaton in control of everything! No pressure!
And women, well, they just don’t have a voice, or participate. “Come practice on a mannequin,” eerily foreshadows how the woman would be expected to be: unmoving, cold, silent, perfectly moulded, just standing there…Anyone else running for the hills right about now?
Women aren’t unwilling or docile participants in sexuality. They’re not stupid or incapable either. And just as importantly: they’re not judgmental a**holes who will take umbrage at a person’s minor struggle with a clothing item.
Should a man really want to figure out the mystery of the bra clasp – because fighting with those things is annoying and he doesn’t want to do that any more – fair enough. But then go ask an actual expert in the things: a woman. Has Mansplaining gotten so bad that men now need to Mansplain women’s things to other men?
Note: Please excuse gender- and hetero-normative generalizations made throughout this piece: my issue is with the assumptions the class makes and perpetuates, which include an assumption of hetero males – and all women wearing bras.
I think either one of us fumbling with unclasping a bra is kinda cute and I would HATE to think a guy felt he’d had to resort to going to a class to figure it out! Surely, sex, and laughing about its awkward, indeed messy, fumblings, is a joint effort or did I miss a class?
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I don’t know if we missed a class or not, but I do think you should teach one! Enjoying Life and Not Taking Ourselves So Darn Seriously 101. Sign me up!
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All true. In fact, this really bothered me in the movie “About Time”. He was doing such a good job of being charming and wooing this woman for a long-term relationship, and then he had to ruin it by giving this impression that he was a player, by erasing his bra-awkwardness? What part of him imagined that would be better?
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I love that perspective! (And I’m glad I know what movie you’re talking about; thank you In-Flight Entertainment!) I think this all touches on an essential aspect of this class: masculinity, just as femininity, is a varied notion, individually held, and is not actually directly linked to the other side. That is, women don’t actually wear high heels to impress men, and in this case, being able to remove a bra one-handed isn’t actually to impress the woman. There is something intrinsically rewarding about feeling competent, skilled, and a member of a tribe; it doesn’t really matter what the other tribes are up to.
Hard to articulate, but fun to think about!
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So I guess this “man skills class” is a real thing? (I’d surmised that it was a canard, invented for the purpose of making a sardonic point in the previous post. I stand corrected.)
Maybe it’s because I was raised by a single mother that the “manly” stereotype always seemed completely absurd to me (despite the copious amount of time I spent seeing it play out in all it’s gory glory in locker rooms as a kid/young adult).
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Yup, it’s real. And now I’ve gone and trapped myself into attending! Interesting what you said about the “manly” stereotypes seeming absurd, especially in the context of being raised by a single mother. I had the same circumstance growing up, and the same reaction to the “roles”. Maybe that’s why I find it all so interesting, amusing, and irrelevant.
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Great title, and great metaphor. That was a fun read.
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We were both entertained and flattered to learn that we had a spy in the crowd Tim ; ) For those who are still skeptical, we chose that task because we thought it would be hilarious for guys to practice this odd task on one another, a great way to bond and better than struggling with your date’s, girlfriend’s or wife’s bra for the rest of your life. I was not a pro at one-handed bra unclasping going into this meet-up and have done as much awkward fumbling as the next man. It made for some funny video and good laughs. Bra’s have nothing to do with manhood and men who are too slick are often screened out by good women. However, camaraderie and confidence have a lot to do with being a happy, secure man. That is what we hope to instill.
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