What men really want.
I hope I’m not going to disappoint you.
Were you expecting (or fearing) a tale of knuckle-dragging meatheads? Jocks, frat-boys, and assorted male stereotypes who think their egos, biceps, and testicles form a sacred trinity entitling them to treat the world as their personal patriarchal fiefdom?
Cuz that’s not what I found.
I’ll be honest, as usual with humans, I had a script or three that I was prepared to confirm, when I walked into Man Skills class. The most delightfully awful would have been the above douchebaggery, and when the two organizers revealed themselves to be screenworthy specimens of broad shoulders, piercing eyes, and jutting jawlines, it would have been oh-so-easy to scorn them; dislike and dismiss them.
But those bastards had to go and be all…likeable.
And it gets worse. Because not only were they charismatic, but their vision was honest, appealing, and utterly devoid of misogyny. While the concerns and points raised by my lovely lady guest blogger are completely valid, once I heard them speak it was clear the group is consciously and overtly intended to address a need among men, to raise us higher with no corollary of pushing women down.
I’m tempted to expound for pages on masculinity in the modern world. Another day. Suffice to say, people have been railing against the “feminisation” of boys for well over a century, in fact it was this concern that lead to the creation of the Boy Scouts of America in 1910. That generation went on to be the rugged dudes grinding up their own bodies in the trenches of The War to End All Wars; hardly wimps, but hardly complete role models either. (Man Skill #153: Dealing with trench foot?)
When the discussion is driven by Fear, it’s easy to get misogynistic overtones, as people lash out at anything they can convince themselves is an enemy. The founders of the Boy Scouts screamed “Women are feminising our sons!” Instead of the Fear, the Man Skills group seeks to address the Feeling. Instead of “Give us back our testicles, she-devil!” they say “We have grown distant from some aspects of the masculine experience.” There’s a pretty sharp difference there.
It should come as a surprise to precisely no one that many men these days feel removed from their masculine side. But before we ask “How do I get in touch with my masculinity?” we need to ask “What IS masculinity?”
A friend pointed out that women are also capable of all the things listed in the Man Skills curriculum, and she’s absolutely right. Another reader asked “What do you think Woman Skills 101 would be?” The easy timeworn answers are cooking, cleaning, sewing, and child-raising. That might seem horrifically offensive until you acknowledge that those are skills men should have too.
Because nowadays? A man who doesn’t do any of those traditionally “female skills” is likely to be seen as kind of a jerk.
“How was lunch with Tina?”
“It was nice, but oh my god, did you know Brad never helps change their baby?”
“What, like, never never? Really?”
“I know, right?”
“Wow, I didn’t know he was like that.”
But the feeling is that we really don’t know as many of the “manly” skills as our forefathers did. Today if something breaks, we just buy a new one, but we suspect grandpa knew how to fix it. Mine was also the most sheltered generation to date, when parents tried to keep their kids from ever getting hurt, a trend that has gone through the roof since then. Of course Jim isn’t very good with an axe, little Jimmy wasn’t allowed to use a steak knife until he was 18.
Maybe I should have a class for Child Skills that includes climbing trees, scraping knees, and messing with bees. Except that I’d get sued for all three (and think bees should be protected and assisted, not messed with.)
So…if women are just as able and welcome to start fires, fix cars, and remove lingerie…and men are just as able and welcome to cook, clean, and fix their own damn buttons…what’s the point of labeling these skills as male or female?
Maybe there is none.
Or maybe there is something else. Some other purpose this group explicitly addresses. Any guesses what it is? Part Two to follow…
[And let me repeat my marvelous guest blogger’s apology for all the heteronormative labels and assumptions throughout these pieces. I wish I was able to more fully embrace the spectrum and variety of the human condition here, but my attempts to do so would be clumsy and wordy. An extension of these ideas to all those facets would be interesting and worthwhile…anybody want to guest blog that one?]
I love that you’re going through gendering and labels.
I’m not much for labelling anything, if my rants on the subject weren’t obvious enough. I hate labelling and i hate that we gender tasks.
Why do we gender tasks? Why can’t they just be the stuff that no one really likes doing but we have to do them anyway?
My boss made reference to how a dryer was a woman’s machine. I wanted to throw my laptop at his head, however it made me wonder why we do what we do and why is it so hard to change and challenge these ideas without being labelled a man hater or feminiazi or some other negative word associated with the fact that somehow my vagina grew teeth and is trying to bite off male organs.
Anyway, thanks for the nice break from my chemistry cramming!!
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Studying chemistry? What woman’s work. 😉
That’s the thing with this Man Class, it’s skills that are supposedly assigned to our gender, but we don’t know. We don’t really NEED to know them, either, we do fine without them, but we are CHOOSING to learn. That ability to choose is surely a massive privilege, and one that I hope we can remain aware of.
Well, if you want a break from being called a Feminazi, you can post things under my name, I’ll take a turn under that label. (Drat! More privilege!)
A toast to human progress and toothless vaginas.
(And why doesn’t my spell checker recognize the plural of that perfectly good noun? It has no problem with penises.)
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Yeah, I’m finishing up my degree so did chemistry as an elective!
Good answer my friend, good answer lol I don’t know, I have a tool kit and power tools and k ow how to use them. I’ve never been one for gender assigned roles. My mum taught me that I could do/make/break whatever I wanted without male help so I went about it 😉
You know the plural to penises is penii. I have this on solid academic knowledge. I. My girlfriends and I discussed the plural of genitals a lot. Especially after a bottle of something 😀
And thank you, welcome to the feminazi fold. Don’t forget not to shave your legs! (or so I’ve been told)
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Ha! You think you have a problem with all the gender tasking, defining, discriminating or denying? Well, welcome to Kenya. You cannot imagine how warlike being a woman is. But war we do, everyday. One thing I have learned is that the more oppressed gender issues become, the more we struggle and ultimately become what we’re supposed to be. I guess it’s like a butterfly struggling out of its cocoon, it’s the struggle that strengthens it’s wings and helps it to fly strong. In Kenya, woman has become a power to reckon with but we’re learning our empowerment means nothing with out the men rising with us. We are having a serious masculinity problem in Kenya and so we’re no longer fighting the battle of the sexes but were fighting for the sexes. We’re learning the only task that both genders should be involved in, is that of love and justice. It’s that of upholding the good of the other. I know it sounds philosophical but it’s slowly working. Healing both the masculine and feminine soul will heal the World. I am a hopeful woman longing for good masculinity because it will help me bloom.
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Fantastic! Thank you for commenting, and for reading. First off, I would love to come to Kenya. It’s been on my list since we almost moved there when I was 6. I sat in the streets of Dar Es Salaam, thinking “Kenya’s right over there…maybe I’ll just keep going…”
I love the idea that everyone, all genders, gains by fighting for love and justice, upholding the good in each other, and healing both the masculine and feminine sides of the human soul. Beautiful! A hopeful (and strong!) woman, longing for a good masculinity, because it will help her bloom… That’s poetry!
And I also really appreciate the response to adversity of saying that it makes us stronger. We can come from a world with many problems, and that just means we’re stronger, and more able to fix them! Fantastic.
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I am so blessed I inspired you and to think you were in Dar…oh..so close. But whenever a dream resides in a masculine heart then it’s only a matter of time before it’s reality. Therefore I know I will see you on the green plains of Kenya soon. Our rising sun will surely usher you into out beautiful dawns and our birds will serenade to you and be refreshment to your seeking masculine soul. Nothing excites me more than a man seeking his true identity. In many cultures, especially mine, a man must go through many tests and trials before his is welcomed into the circle of men. The same for women too. And when the two are truly all they are meant to be, they make a heaven on earth. And that’s not me trying to be religious because even before Christianity came to Kenya, it was what my ancestors believed. That’s why many old cultures had a god and goddess. It takes both genders to heal humanity. It takes both man and woman to make life and also preserve meaning to life. Keep searching and keep being true to all of you.
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So people totally do run those classes for kids. I’m trying to remember what they call them (it’s not Child Skills but it wouldn’t be wildly inappropriate).
Likeable, eh? Well that’s certainly good news. (Did they teach you any new bra tricks, by the way?) There is definitely nothing wrong with learning to bang in a nail or light a fire. I’m not entirely sure why we have to label it, though, and would love to hear your thoughts on that.
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They have those camps? Is there a rope course, lots of trees to climb, and fort-building? Can I work at one? Please?
They actually did teach me two new bra tricks. Who knew there even was such a thing? I admit, I am curious to try them. Sometimes it feels like the world is made of toys.
Ah, indeed, there is nothing necessarily “male” or “female” about these skills…but there can be. See the second half of this post, coming tomorrow, I reckon. (I was going to post it as one, but no one reads long blogs these days. We’re infected by Twitter and globalization. How on earth is one supposed to sit down and read something, when the entire world is there to be skimmed over? Sorry, that’s a different rant.)
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I think i might of missed the point here somewhere.
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Totally understandable; I feel that way all the time. Any particular confusion?
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Very interesting comments on this excellent post Tim. Once again, thank you so much for spying on us. This is blog coverage is amazing and really validates our idea. In response to the Kenya comment, I think we can agree that the definition of a “man” is constantly changing and is very environmentally/geographically and socially influenced. For example, imagine if one of us San Francisco techie types was sent to find a wife in Kenya or to take care of you!? Many of us would die lonely men and you would not be turned off by our ineptitude. Women can learn these “man skills” as easily as any man can and you clearly have a lot of skills. But, it is not nice to have a man that can take on half of those tasks so the labor can be divided and the productivity of the household unit/relationship can increase? Do you want a man who cannot hunt and/or defend you better than you can hunt/defend yourself? Or is it perhaps more efficient to both know how to do those things yourself and have a man that may genetically be more inclined for such tasks? I fish and hunt, but I also cook and clean. I will contribute in a relationship with equality in mind, not gender. BUT.. If I bring home the meat I do not expect to both cook and clean as well and want my partner to know how to contribute. If you bring home the meat, I will cook and clean. I will not flinch. I can do all 3 of these skills and both cooking and hunting…not so much cleaning. Who does? It sounds like you can do all of these things as well. But, I prefer to hunt, so I would look for a mate that does not prefer to hunt. If you like to hunt, than you should look for a man that would prefer to cook and clean. This is pragmatism, not sexism. I have many “Women Skills” and a sensitive side that I am not ashamed of. “Man Skills” as a label, is just to attract our target demographic. I love a woman who knows how to fish, has both “Man and Woman” skills and participates in outdoor activities. It is sexy as hell and efficient. But, having separate female and male social groups is healthy and important. Gotta have “Ladies Night” and “Man Time” or else we will drive each other nuts!
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Nice piece.
Given that women and men overlap so much (what little “Real woman 101” Class be like?) My student sometimes ask what makes a man. First, I’d make a distinction between boys and men. What do mature males versus immature males do? And of course, there are still some obvious sex differences that are biologically-based (genes, hormones, anatomy). We can acknowledge those and see them as complementary and as neither being better than the other.
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This reminds me of the discussion of rites of initiation, and that we don’t have any in American culture. Perhaps if we more formally differentiated between boys and men, we would increase the odds of having more of the latter. (I’d imagine politics, at least, would improve drastically!)
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