Amerikan Kebabologist Discovers New Species
Amerikan Kebaboligist reports discovery of new species
By Harvey von Nubbinbubbler, AP
BRUSSELS – American Kebabologist Doctor Timothy Tendick is reporting in the current issue of the presitigious Kebablife Quarterly Journal the discovery of a previously unsuspected species of kebab.
The new find is said to dwarf all previously catalogued species of kebab, though no exact measurements have so far been released. According to Doctor Tendick “we took one look at this thing and knew we had discovered something…well…big. It was radically different from the conventional understandings and assumptions of kebabology.” There are apparently several key differences, but one above all made the case clear for Doctor Tendick’s team. “The bread is totally different too, but it took us awhile to notice that because shit man, have you seen the thing?”
The kebab was locally assumed to be a common Chicken Kebab, also called a Poulet Kebab, after the great Luxembourgian Kebabologist Dr. Ivan Poulet.
The mega-kebab was discovered in a small town in the Flanders region of Belgium. Experts say this makes the find even more stunning, given that Belgium is in the heart of Western Europe, traditionally known as the kebab’s primary habitat. Most kebabologists had considered this area well mapped with regards to kebabular variety, but, according to Doctor Ignatius P. Wallyflower this makes the mega-kebab’s discovery actually somewhat less surprising, since the prevalence of kebab species in the area and the tremendous success with which they have propagated in this region make such mutation all the more likely.
“And this thing is definitely not a product of normal evolution, which is glacially slow. No, that baby is a mutant.” asserted Wallyflower, whose pupils remained dilated the entire interview.
The discovery took longer than normal to report because the initial investigation was unable to fully plumb the depths of the new species. According to Doctor Tendick “We left after the first trials exhausted and feeling kind of greasy, but the dedication to kebabology is not something to be put on the shelf in the fridge and forgotten, so at the first opportunity we were back in this thing, elbow deep, although it took most of a bag of salad greens and a cut up tomato to make the research possible.”
This is not the first time Doctor Tendick, also a professor at the European Academie for the Teaching of Ingestible Things (EAT IT) has discovered a new species. In 2009 he discovered the now infamous Apparently-All-Chicken-Skin Kebab in southern Spain. His reputation was tarnished later that year however when he claimed to have discovered another new form, which he called the That-Was-A-Horrible-Mistake Kebab. Authorities examined his taxonomy and declared it a Common Kebab. But this find in Belgium, if authenticated, should jump him right back to the top of the (unnaturally homogenous colored) heap in kebab epidemiology.
“My team was really unprepared for a find of this magnitude. I mean, I can barely carry the damn thing.” Admitted Doctor Tendick, seen below posing, like a goober, with the kebab, which is even larger than his also-famously-oversized noggin.