It’s all ending; it’s all beginning.
On the night I left for Nicaragua, a year and a week ago exactly, I took a moment on the drive to the airport to take my hands off the wheel (the road was clear and it was just a moment) as an acknowledgment to the gods of Travel and Chance (who are cousins) that I was not in control of the world, then I took the wheel to start piloting my way as best I could.
This time I have no illusions; I am not remotely in control. The foundation of my life as I know it, the incarnation that began four years ago when I became more the person I am today, has crumbled out from beneath me.
I’ve made mistakes I never thought I would make, and I don’t yet understand how. Four years ago I changed who I was, and I thought that meant I knew myself. Turns out I was wrong, I’m not yet there. I’ve had blessing beyond belief in this life; love and friendship to make the angels cry, but there is something missing, something in me that I’ve lost sight of.
I don’t know exactly how to find it, but my path starts now. I am sitting in a corner cafe in the airport in Istanbul, where I just ate a decent but generic and impressively overpriced veggie and cheese sandwich. Not exactly Turkish cuisine. With it I had an orange juice, which was a very small glass, but so fresh-squeezed right behind me that I had to chew it. They charged me more for the orange juice (whose price is not obviously listed) than they did for the sandwich (which is), and looked like kids with their hands caught in the cookie jar when I mentioned it.
I guess that’s the lesson: it’s easy to be good when everyone is watching, but it’s what you do when you can get away with it that counts.
K gets here on the next flight, T minus three hours and counting, and leaves on Sunday, D minus 3.5 days and counting.
So the next few days will be an Eden of company, then a Hell of farewell.
And after that?
I have no idea.
I am always so amazed by your globe-trotting adventures as I watch from my small town in Ohio. I hope you and K have a wonderful time.
Well thank you Maddie! After Day One I can honestly say, I love this city. It is amazing. Rarely has a place struck me so strongly, so quickly. And the food! I’ll blog about it as soon as I finish digesting and/or find a better internet connection. In the meantime, I am personally giving three cheers for small towns in Ohio, their very existence is a balm to my mind. (And I met a friendly Turkish man on the tram today who went to New York and didn’t think Americans are very friendly, so I’m going to send him to your town for re-education.) Cheers!
You will get what you need, or what you want, or something totally unexpected. That is the way of the traveler. You will never know yourself to satisfaction. It is what will keep you moving, and creating moments we love to read about. Best of luck, and all that. Bon Voyage! Keep us posted!
Jack! Sage and supportive as ever, you stunner! I think you’re right that one probably never knows oneself to satisfaction (and if one thinks so, it’s probably self-deception), and most of the time I’m okay with that. After all, a journey finished is…over. I think I am/was just hoping for some solution to a rather unprecedented negative feeling.
As for further moments, I wish I could tell you about today…but I need to get some sleep. I’ll have to tell you how Turkey made a man out of me…tomorrow.