Limited Time Offer for the Holiday Season

“So, honey, have you met anyone new?” Does your mother ask you that? Are you tired of evading and prevaricating when asked this question?

“Are there any young men around who you find interesting these days?” I’m pretty sure that’s grammatically incorrect, but arguing about when to use “whom” is only going to avoid the question a limited number of times.

Well I have the solution for you.

Special limited time offer: Rentable Boy FriendKen doll

RBF is your quick and painless protection against prying relatives. (Warning, RBF may not be effective at fooling your friends.) RBF will pose as your new “friend” for the length of a meal, and comes pre-loaded with a number of scenarios to choose from.

Option 1: RBF spent the last five years traveling, and is now settling down, with promising paths in a professional field as well as graduate school. He is likeable, but a bit bland, very non-threatening, but fairly easy to forget. Perfect for the short-term “Well, he seems nice” that can easily evolve into “This new one is much more interesting than that last guy, and more reliable too.”

Option 2: RBF is Scottish or English, studying abroad, and would love to learn more about your country. Pontificate and brag at will. This option is great for its short-term entertainment value, but is easily discarded by “Oh, he had to go back to Scotland. Yes, I’m very sad, please don’t bother me with these questions for at least 13 months.”

Maybe borderline smarmy and employed, but your mom might approve.

Maybe borderline smarmy and employed, but your mom might approve.

Option 3: Wallflower mode. RBF will sit there, smile at jokes, and reply with the minimum necessary verbiage to be polite. Wallflower mode is perfect when you don’t want the RBF to make much of an impression, whereupon family members are free to project whatever personality upon him they choose.

Note: Wallflower Mode requires additional payment, due to its stupefyingly boring nature. Namely: dessert.

Terms and Conditions for RBF

-Both parties hereby state that this is a fictitious relationship, and will not extend beyond said contract period, namely the length of one meal.

-Both parties agree that there will be no physical intimacy required.

-Payment for RBF’s services will be the right to write about anything interesting that comes about during, or as a result of the encounter. Names of those involved will be changed to protect the innocent. Foibles will be exaggerated for the amusement of the audience.

-RBF is not responsible for reimbursal of any food or beverages consumed by RBF during the course of the event.

Alternative costume options available

Alternative costume options available

-The goal of the RBF professional is an interesting story to blog about, thus, advantageous consideration will be awarded to candidates whose families include any of the following:

-Racist uncles/aunts

-Rebellious nephews/nieces

-Conspiratorial grandmothers/grandfathers

-RBF will not get drunk and embarrass you. That’s your family’s job.